Disorganised Attachment in Adulthood- When Being Around a Parent Still Feels Unsafe

by Tracy Guy June 24, 2025

For many people in midlife, the relationship with a parent remains a complicated one. It may be a source of love, duty, grief, or confusion, sometimes all at once. While adulthood often brings emotional maturity and independence, those with a history of early trauma or inconsistent caregiving may find themselves unexpectedly overwhelmed by familiar emotional patterns, particularly in the presence of a parent.

Disorganised attachment, a style of relating rooted in early relational trauma, doesn’t fade with age. It often intensifies during stressful or transitional periods of adult life. A middle-aged person might manage friendships, careers, and responsibilities with competence and clarity, yet find themselves completely dysregulated during even a brief interaction with their mother or father. Old wounds rise quickly to the surface, and the adult feels small, reactive, or unsafe, even if they can't quite explain why.

Disorganised attachment develops in childhood when the caregiver, often a parent, is both a source of comfort and a source of fear. In homes where there was emotional unpredictability, violence, neglect, or abuse, or even a sense of abandonment due to parental ill health, the child learns that closeness and danger can arrive hand-in-hand. This creates a painful internal conflict: the longing for love is met with the expectation of harm. The nervous system can’t relax. Over time, the child develops strategies to manage the chaos, but these strategies are based on survival, rather than trust.

In adulthood, these patterns persist, particularly in relationships that resemble the original dynamic, most often, the one with a parent. A person may notice themselves swinging between emotional closeness and abrupt withdrawal. They might feel deeply hurt by criticism or conflict and react strongly, only to later spiral into guilt and shame. They may yearn for connection but sabotage it, become emotionally unavailable, or feel trapped by the very relationship they long to preserve.

When interacting with a parent, they might experience a confusing mix of vulnerability and resentment. They could find themselves eagerly seeking approval one moment, then suddenly feeling the urge to shut down, lash out, or escape. Even minor conflicts could trigger disproportionate emotional responses. A disagreement can leave them feeling like they're reliving something from long ago, not just arguing about a present-day issue.

There may also be a strong sense of hypervigilance. Even as an adult, this person might feel they must carefully manage the parent’s mood, anticipate their reactions, or constantly scan for signs of disapproval. This can be exhausting and emotionally depleting, especially when the person cannot understand why they feel so emotionally unsafe around someone they continue to love.

It is common for the adult child to unconsciously replay old roles. They may feel “bad” and feel the need to constantly apologise or over-explain to smooth things over and reduce tension. The adult child may also assume a caretaking role, attempting to manage their parents’ emotions while neglecting their own needs. Even after decades, these early relational behaviours and habits often remain deeply embedded and resurface automatically, especially during times of stress.

The adult child often feels very confused and may ask themselves, “Why does this still affect me so much?” or “Why do I always feel like a scared child when I’m around them?” These aren't signs of immaturity or emotional weakness. They're signs of trauma and attachment wounds that were never addressed, processed and allowed to heal.

Healing from disorganised attachment is not about changing the parent or repairing a relationship that may never be safe. It's about understanding the internal conflict and creating emotional safety. This healing process is slow and requires patience, self-compassion, and support.

Recognising the pattern without blame is key. Acknowledging the presence of disorganised attachment can be a huge sense of relief. It allows the adult child to see their responses not as character flaws, but as natural outcomes of early relational harm. Creating distance from the parent, when necessary, is not an act of cruelty, it’s an act of self-protection. Sometimes, physical space is the only way the nervous system can recalibrate and bring us back to some semblance of safety.

As trust is rebuilt, the person may begin to experiment with safer relationships outside the family of origin. Emotional regulation and co-regulation with compassionate friends, partners, or therapists can help reshape what connection feels like for them. For those who have always experienced love as conditional or threatening, learning to feel safe in connection is a huge milestone.

Working with a trauma-informed therapist can be especially helpful in these situations. Modalities such as EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, or Internal Family Systems (IFS) can support healing at both emotional and physiological levels. Counselling can also help untangle the deeply held belief that one must earn love by sacrificing boundaries or by remaining silent.

It’s also important to reframe what connection means for someone healing from disorganised attachment; connection does not have to mean constant closeness or contact. It can mean emotional presence, respect, and knowing that they are free to come and go without punishment or guilt. Redefining connection on one’s own terms can be a profoundly liberating experience. However, this process can be complex, particularly when early trauma has blurred the lines between intimacy and fear. In some cases, a person may unconsciously equate connection with sexual availability or find themselves drawn to relationships that replicate old power dynamics. This is not a failure of healing, but a reflection of how attachment wounds can manifest in the body and in the search for comfort. Sexual behaviour may become a stand-in for closeness, safety, or validation when a secure emotional bond feels unfamiliar or unsafe. Recognising these patterns with compassion, rather than shame, allows for deeper healing and the gradual discovery of what safe, reciprocal intimacy truly looks and feels like.

If you're a middle-aged adult navigating a painful, confusing relationship with a parent, know that you're not alone. The turmoil you feel may be rooted in early attachment injuries, but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck forever. You are allowed to grieve the love you didn’t receive. You are allowed to set boundaries without guilt. And you are allowed to heal, even if the relationship that hurt you never changes.

Disorganised attachment is not your identity. It’s a map of where you've been, not a definition of where you’re going. With support, reflection, and gentleness, you can unlearn fear-based connection and begin to build something different, something steady, safe, and truly your own.